August 28, 2005

Morticia Stewart, Homemaker

Q: How can you tell that you don't make toast often enough?

A: When you finally DO go to make toast and find a spider living in your toaster.

At least I'm that much closer to decorating for Samhain. Between that and the spiders in my car, I'm amazed that I don't wake up wrapped in a big cocoon of silk like the dwarves in The Hobbit. I also saw a centipede last week. I think my housecleaning is scaring them.

Well, I suppose, as long as the spiders pay their share of the rent and don't tie up the phone or use all the hot water...

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Posted by Frida Peeple at 12:51 AM

August 26, 2005

mantra

i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad
i want to quit my job so damn bad

okay i think it's out of my system...

edit--no it's not

Posted by Frida Peeple at 07:50 AM

August 25, 2005

Everything I Needed To Know I Learned Off The Back Of A Can Of Glade

So I was sitting in the bathroom at work, reading the label on the can of air freshener for the millionth time because there's nothing else to read in there. And it struck me exactly how generic the instructions are:

Do not use near fire, flame or pilot light.

Couldn't you say that about a lot of things? Like, say, your butt?

Do not set on stove or radiator or keep where temperature exceeds 120F...

Again, not something you'd do with your butt.

Do not puncture or incinerate. Keep out of reach of children.

Also applicable to the butt.

Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal.

I rest my case.

Hold can upright...

A clear reference to the butt.

...press button and spray toward center of room.

Hm. Unless you're tubgirl, I'm not so sure about that one...

Eh.

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Posted by Frida Peeple at 11:55 AM

August 22, 2005

oh my ears and whiskers...

No, I'm not late. Yet. But if I don't get my ass into about ninth gear, I will be.

By Friday, I have to have the apartment as clean as possible, because the landlords are coming to take pictures for their insurance or something.

By early Sunday, I have to have my car washed and vacuumed and the fluids checked, because that's when my brother's arriving from out east. It used to be his car, and I'd feel like a tool if it looked like I wasn't taking care of it.

By midnight Sunday, I have to have an annotated bibliography, three assignments, and the next phase of my proposal for one of my classes [which, in my case, will be a proposal to move the horrible summer festival that I bitch about every year to another part of town].

So in the meantime, go here. It's funny. Dig through the archives if you want. Also, go here. Aaaaand...here. I don't remember if I've posted that or not. I don't have time to look either.

That's all I can think of for today.

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Posted by Frida Peeple at 11:02 AM

August 16, 2005

oh yeah, I almost forgot...

Today is Madonna's birthday. She's 47.

It also would have been my grandma's birthday. I don't know how old she would've been. She died long before I was born.

And today is the anniversary of Elvis's death in '77.

So M, happy birthday, and stay off the horses for a while. L, happy birthday, wherever you are, unless you're reincarnated already, in which case you'd probably have a different birthday.

And Elvis, don't forget to put the ketchup in my bag next time, k? thx

sbt/sbc

Posted by Frida Peeple at 08:39 PM

Stupid Athlete Tricks

Junior Siavii of the Kansas City Chiefs shows you how to flush your respectability down the potty in four easy steps.

1. Lose to a bunch of candyasses like the Minnesota Vikings. [Hey, they're my home team, I get to pick on them.]

2. Go back to the hotel and get drunk off your ass.

3. When the Minneapolis cops show up, lunge at one of them to demonstrate your madd defensive tackle skillz.

4. Get maced and arrested.

This is why I love football. It's like a soap opera, but funnier and with more shoulder pads and jock straps.

I'm glad I don't have a season pass to the Vikes. I don't think I could even find enough rotten fruit to throw for a whole season.

This is Frida Peeple, reminding you all to join me in being athletic supporters. Thank you and good night.

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Posted by Frida Peeple at 09:38 AM

August 14, 2005

Is there such a thing...

...as a perfect food?

Why, yes, I believe there is. It's called a peanut-butter-and-honey sandwich on fresh wheat bread.

I can die a happy woman now. mmmmmmmmm...

sbt/sbc

Posted by Frida Peeple at 06:19 AM

August 09, 2005

Missing Links

Before I present links, I just wanted to babble about something for a minute.

You know that Beach Boys song, "Surfin' Safari"? What the hell, exactly, IS a surfin' safari? Every time I hear that, I get a mental image of blonde dudes with swim trunks and surfboards being picked off by some guy in a monocle and a pith helmet.

"I say, old chap, that's one fine specimen you've got there."

"Indeed! This one was so tame, all I had to do was hide in a bush and make a sound like a chalupa, and I had him dead to rights!"

"Jolly good show!"

Okay, I'll stop now.

Well, first off, I found a satire site called Vision? Nary! which at first glance looks a little bit like "Virgin Mary" but is much funnier.

Here's a fascinating FAQ page about Tourette's from the point of view of somebody who has it. The more of it I read, the better it seems to fit me. I should've guessed.

And actually, that's it for today, because I have to go to bed. I spent the rest of the morning reading about Tourette's and blundering through the Minotaur's maze of a website maintained by the college I'm attending online.

Fuck! er, I mean...Nighty night!

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Posted by Frida Peeple at 11:03 AM

August 08, 2005

Good night, Mr. Jennings.

Yes, Peter Jennings has passed on to that big anchor desk in the sky. In the words of Hamster, I are sad. :(

Sam Donaldson, of course, has been dead for years. His toupee is actually a sinister alien symbiont that controls his brain.

Okay, I'll be serious. I'll miss Peter Jennings, even though I don't have TV. I can think of few things more disconcerting than turning on a television after not having seen one for ages, and seeing total strangers at all the newsdesks on the networks. I already feel like Rip Van Winkle every time I wake up, dial up Yahoo news and see cloned dogs and people having chips implanted in them and that kind of bullshit.

And with that...good night.

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Posted by Frida Peeple at 08:21 AM

August 03, 2005

k, it's like this.

Between work, mandatory overtime [ptui ptui] and school, there will be little time in the next several weeks for my usual bulging-vein-in-the-forehead posts. There may be one from time to time, when I can't take it anymore, but for the most part, here's what I'm gonna try to do. I will try, a couple times per week, to find a few interesting links to post here for those readers who like to check in frequently. At least I'll be posting something so you know I'm not dead; and at least it will be something remotely interesting instead of seventeen consecutive entries of "I'm still here! Gotta get back to work! Bye!"

I could go into a detailed rant about one of the classes I'm taking, whose topic is how to be successful in work and school, and whose curriculum mostly consists of stuff that, if you didn't already know it, you should never have graduated high school in the first place. But I don't really have time. So here's some links instead.

Here's a page about fused and slumped glass sculpture.

Hm...here's a brief article about a train conductor found critically injured in an accident nobody saw.

This is a paper which will probably be of little interest to anybody but me, one of my readers who is also a coworker, and possibly some other people who do shift work. [Psst: recognize any familiar phenomena in the first paragraph?]

Ever wonder what a syzygy is? Ever see it on your Scrabble tray and wish you could use it? Well, you can.

Here's a page on Loch Torridon Country House Hotel in Scotland. Looks like a nice place to stay.

Yahoo tries to explain, to some enquiring mind in New Jersey, why we have toenails and fingernails. [Frankly, I'm amazed that anybody in Jersey still HAS fingernails and toenails. Maybe the toxic waste has caused the questioner to evolve giant yellow crusty mutated talons, and he's wondering where they came from.]

You know the eBay ads that show up in the sidebar of your search engine page, advertising "New and used" of whatever your search term was? I'm thinking they should change that. Not just because of the "new and used cute kittens" I saw once on a kitten-related site, but because of what I saw in the sidebar when I googled "toenails":

Toenails
Discount new and used items.
Search for toenails now!
www.ebay.com

Used toenails on eBay? I'm there!

I wonder if eBay has any idea how stupid that kind of ad makes them look.

On that vaguely distasteful note...

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Posted by Frida Peeple at 09:29 AM

August 01, 2005

Blitzkrieg Poop

[Warning: This entry contains references to poop. Protective clothing may be required. Wash hands before returning to work.]

If, in an effort to eat a more healthy diet, you buy cereal that contains flaxseeds, go easy. Flaxseeds have a LOT of fiber. Do not do like I did and eat four servings of a cereal that contains 24% of your daily fiber per serving all in one day. You know the expression "shit through a screen door"? Forget it. You will be able to shit through an oak door, and possibly through a brick wall if you eat popcorn during the same week. However, you will have the cleanest bowels in the county, if that sort of thing matters to you. So if you want to try flaxseeds, go ahead, but try not to sneeze or laugh for a few days afterwards.

This message brought to you by the Association for the Sensible Consumption of Bath Tissue, the Society for Clean American Toilets [S.C.A.T.], People Opposed to the Overuse of Paper [P.O.O.P.], and the Bitch Council.

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Posted by Frida Peeple at 05:07 AM