Boy, that's a lot of e's.
I'm gonna try and catch up on some of the memes I've missed, so this may get a smidge long.
Witches first. [Natch.]
How do you feel about the term "fluffy pagan?" What is your definition?
How do I feel about it? It's not quite as colourful or evocative as "lazy dipshit pagan who doesn't read," but it works. It's a slur, that's for sure. Hm...I think I sorta defined it already.
What do you feel are some of the "wrong" reasons that people tend to learn towards the pagan faith? (sex, drugs etc)
Yes, I'm sure some of them gravitate towards certain paths because of ritual nudity or entheogen use. Among other dumb and annoying [but entirely human] reasons for joining paganism include looking cool, wanting to scare your parents or schoolmates, and the belief that you really will gain some secret power. Some of the mildly annoying but rather more understandable reasons include rebellion against Christianity and an aversion to male authority figures. This is where you get some of the fundapagans who insist on using "Goddess" all the time and will not even deign to say "gods" and allow "god" to be a gender-neutral term and rid it of its scary male connotations. I say "Goddess" and "Lady" too, but I also say a lot of "god" and "gods." It does take a while to deprogram yourself after you've been fed images of a wrathful male deity and a simpering, passive female kinda-sorta-not-really deity. It's natural to feel an aversion to male deities for a while, and I think any deity that paid attention to the situation on this planet would understand why.
What annoys you the most about some of today's self-defined pagans?
That they don't read. They don't understand that this is not like Christianity or Hare Krishna or something where you can just read one or two books, and maybe some pamphlets and a couple websites, and just know everything you need to know. Paganism is so diverse that you really have to do a lot of your own research and decide for yourself what information is worth listening to. You really can't just read Ravenwolf and think "Wicca=witchcraft=paganism" and think that you've got it, because that's a horrific distortion. There is no canon or bible for paganism, and there really isn't a single place where it's all sensibly compiled by well-researched and objective authors and editors. What you need to know is scattered throughout history books, anthropology books, books on classical and modern paganism, and books on more esoteric things like herbalism and folk magic symbology. What complicates it further is nimrods who write books based on faulty or disproven research [everybody say "Margaret Murray"] and then get their bullshit quoted and repeated until people really DO think that there were 6 million witches killed or whatever. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Paganism is not for people with poor research skills. If you'd rather somebody else did all the heavy reading and thinking for you, you're on the wrong path. Of course, you could be a Thelemite or something, and as long as you do whatever you want and don't worry too much about Crowley's gobbledegook in The Book of the Law, you're fine. Unless you run into another Thelemite that reads a lot more than you. Then you're hosed.
I'd say more, but I'd just be repeating myself. The unfortunate thing about reading a lot is that you often end up being pedantic. Or maybe pedantic people just read more because they're pedantic. I don't know.
Enough sensible stuff. Time to get weird.
1. What would be a good outfit for a fish to wear?
Well, fishnet stockings are out. Depending on the fish, I'd say either lemon pepper or beer batter.
2. If you lined up all the world's dentists end to end, what would happen? Also what would be your motivation for lining them up?
What would happen, and this is just my guess, is that people would be sitting in dental chairs wondering where the hell their dentists are. As for my motivation...well, I could do it just to see what would happen. Or I could do it as preparation to personally give each and every one of them a novocaine shot.
3. What regulations does the government have with regard to inch worms? How does it enforce these regulations?
Shockingly, there are no regulations regarding inch worms. Upon finding this out, I called the congressman who was responsible for the study concerning the contribution of cow flatus to ozone depletion, and told him to light a fire under it.
4. Ok, there are no real rhymes for orange, but come up with a sentence ending in orange followed by a sentence that almost rhymes or that sounds good there. Don't be stingy - give a couple more examples.
When I was young, I had an orange.
I tied it with string, and called it George. [I confess, I did nothing of the kind.]
um...
If you get an acid stomach from eating an orange...
um...
an apropriate antidote would be slippery elm porridge. [It would, too, actually.]
5. What is the purpose of fuzzy dice? How else might they come in handy?
Fuzzy dice are hung on the rearview mirror as a way of demonstrating that you have balls without getting a citation for leaving your actual balls hang out. They're fuzzy, they come in a pair, one usually hangs a little lower, and they're suspended from part of your car, which is often classified as a phallic symbol [especially when you're 50 and it's long and low and red and you're buying it to get teenage girls to do you]. Nuff said. As for other uses of fuzzy dice...hm. If you had a whole lot of them, and some felt circles, and maybe some card-sized rectangles of cloth, you could do a soft-sculpture installation of a casino.
That was this week's. Now for last week's:
1. What is the deal with having a color named baby blue? Was the guy who named the color, color blind? What are other strange color names?
It's named after blue babies, which are dead babies. The guy wasn't colourblind, he was just friggin' sick. You want strange colour names, how about mauve? Or stone, or sport red [whatever the hell that is, it's in a catalog], or puce, or blush...
2. Why are chocolates and roses traditional Valentine's Day gifts? What are some more creative gift ideas?
Those are traditional because that's what the stores put in the window at that time of year, so nobody knows what the hell else to buy. Instead, you could get power tools, tape, office supplies, socks, jigsaw puzzles, personal lubricant, a set of Time-Life books, chicken bones glued onto red felt in the shape of a heart...uh...running out of ideas...how about just some chocolate?
3. What would be the advantages or disadvantages of hiring a company called Perpetual Kitty, which every 3 months would take away your cat and replace it with a similar looking kitten?
Advantages: Never having to figure out where to bury it when it dies [assuming you don't get a sick or otherwise defective kitten], and never having to have it fixed. Disadvantages: Perpetual Litter Training.
4. What are the best bath toys for kids?
Depends on the kid. Some do well with rubber duckies, some like the Spongebob stuff...others, you really wanna go with a plugged-in hair dryer boat or something.
5. Why are sock puppets put on one's hand?
Well, the Red Hot Chili Peppers tried it the other way, but they couldn't get the mouth to move right.
Okay, now the week before that...
1. Why do some people kill cute little ants?
Because they get in your cute little pants and bite your cute little ass. They also get into your cute little canister of sugar.
2. How much should you tip an acrobat?
You mean, so he'll go away? As much as he wants.
3. Why is the grass always greener on the other side? That hardly seems fair, doesn't it?
It's not greener. That's an optical illusion known as, um...dammit, I majored in art...obfuscato or something.
4. Why do phones have star and pound buttons but not hearts, rainbows, or clovers?
That damn leprechaun owns the copyrights, and he won't sell. I can see why...he DOES make a lot off that cereal, so it's not like he needs the money or anything.
5. How was the spatula invented?
It was invented by the evil Count Spatula, who needed a way to flip over the human kidneys he would customarily fry for breakfast. He tried a fork, but he kept piercing the kidneys and the juice would run out, leaving them tough and stringy.
Now for the week before that...
1. According to the theory of evolution, people are the way they are because it helped us survive. Explain how exactly this relates to teenage angst.
It does a great job of frightening off potential predators, and pretty much everything else with ears.
2. What are some possible medical uses of a kaleidoscope?
You could do some really fascinating colonoscopies.
3. Who invented nerf and why?
It was invented by my mom, who was trying to make an angel food cake.
4. Why do slinkies walk down stairs, but not up stairs? Doesn't that seem like a design flaw to you?
No, it's not. If they could walk upstairs, then I'd have nightmares of the slinkies walking upstairs to my apartment to get me.
5. Why did her parents name Shirley Temple after a drink? How do you think it affected her career?
Well, it was their favourite drink. Besides, the same thing happened to Manhattan, and nothing seems to have happened to...oh wait. Never mind.
All right, now for the one before THAT. Holy Cripes, I'm behind.
1. Why aren't fish used to decorate Christmas trees?
Ever seen a fish that lights up?
2. What is the best answering machine message that you never heard?
My brother's, because I never call him.
3. Should dolls come with instructions? Why or why not?
No. If you can't figure out how to play with a doll, you don't deserve to have any fun.
4. How can you be sure you truely exist and aren't just a figment in someone else's dream? How can you be sure I truly exist?
I can't. Now either turn into Portia deRossi or leave my imagination. Thank you.
5. When in the course of human events? For how long? Why?
Oh, you know...a while back...it was for like a week or so...I think it had something to do with this one dude with a boat, and he got locked out of his house or something, and then there was this other dude with a really ugly date that he was trying to fob off on the first dude, and then they showed up and repo'd his boat, and the ugly chick was like, "whatever," and...you know. And something about liberty and the pursuit of happiness or...something.
Okay, I MUST go to bed.
Night.
same bitch time, same bitch channel...
Thought for the day: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Posted by Frida Peeple at February 24, 2005 11:27 AM