WitchyBitch

Weapons of Mass Instruction

And now for another of my ill-conceived, reckless and possibly short-lived ideas. Swiped without shame from the inexplicably best-selling and emetically cloying "Life's Little Instruction Book," it's...

~Whenever possible, make fun of middle-class suburban teenagers who pretend they're from Compton. It's the only way they'll ever get the message that they're making fools of themselves.

~Nobody wants to smell your cologne/perfume/aftershave. As long as you don't stink, people will not feel deprived by not being able to smell you. Make sure you bathe often enough to make cologne unnecessary.

~At least once in your life, sit down and eat a whole Pepperidge Farm cake all by yourself.

~Don't laugh at clowns. It just encourages them. Exception: If a clown is being beaten by thugs, it is acceptable to laugh at him.

~The Earth is not your phone booth. If you're in a store and must call home briefly to ask about a purchase [e.g. "Hi, did you want me to get skim or 2%?"], that is acceptable. But make it snappy.

~Whenever you see a donation jar for a women's shelter, put money in it. You never know when you or someone you care about might have to avail themselves of it.

~Own at least one thing that glows in the dark.

~Tip waitstaff generously. If you should get laid off while the job market is still in shitty shape, you could be working there too.

~Remember that many of the skills that we take for granted are like any other skills. There are people who are naturally good at them and people who aren't. If somebody seems to have trouble doing something that many people can do [like read while somebody's talking, think through consequences, calm down easily, use correct grammar], don't automatically assume that the person is just being selfish and could do it if they tried. Nobody can do everything.

~Get some of those letter magnets and spell out funny stuff on your fridge.

Okay, that's enough instructions for one day. Now obey, dammit!

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Haiku for the day:
car insurance bill
shows up in my letterbox
dammit, dammit, damn.

Posted by Frida Peeple at October 16, 2004 06:35 PM