[Yes, in case you're wondering, that was an old and obscure Snoop Dogg reference, from that song off Doggystyle where Jagged Edge is going on about picnicking in a morgue. Droll.]
Okay, I'll just get to the point.
Why in the hail mary do they sugar the raisins in raisin bran?
I mean, everybody does it. [Before you leave a comment stating that you know of plenty of brands that don't, let me first make it clear that I am not driving to Colorado or Namibia or wherever the hell you're from to buy fucking raisin bran.] I can't find a brand of raisin bran anymore that doesn't have at least 17 grams of sugar per puny gerbil serving. And you go and buy the lowest-sugar stuff you can find, and it's still encrusticated with sugar.
What the fuck is up with this? Do the people who make raisin bran not know anything about raisins? Whoever is coming up with the recipes for cereals these days either is an alcoholic and therefore craves outrageous amounts of sugar; or has never eaten cereal, or, for that matter, raisins. So for the benefit of the cereal people, here is the functional definition of a raisin: It is a blackish, chewy, wrinkly wad of sugar that was a grape in a previous life. Crusting it with sugar is superfluous and unhealthy. It's like salting hot dogs. You know those little tiny boxes of raisins that your mom used to stick in your lunch? Each of those little boxes has 30 grams of sugar.
You might say, "Well, why don't you just buy a bag of raisins and a box of bran flakes and mix them together?" I thought about this for a long time and came up with what I believe is a fair and reasoned response: JESUS J. JOHNSON, DO I HAVE TO MAKE MY CEREAL FROM SCRATCH TOO??? IS IT THAT MUCH TO ASK TO HAVE A CEREAL THAT CLAIMS TO BE HEALTHY THAT DOESN'T HAVE AS MUCH SUGAR AS CAP'N FUCKING CRUNCH??!?
I make my own meatballs. I make my own eggrolls and my own sweet and sour sauce. I make my own taco seasoning. I make all my own soups and stocks. I make my own chicken strips. Often I make my own refried beans. I don't do this because I'm bursting with domesticity. I do it because what's sold in the stores is so fucking full of sodium and chemical shit that it makes me sick. And I think it's really shitty that so many people in this country make retarded choices about their diets that the stores won't even carry cleaner brands of food. [What's even shittier is that these people then go to the doctor and bleat about how lousy they feel, thereby driving up my insurance premiums. But that's another conniption.]
All I want is cereal that, when I read the nutrition information, doesn't look like something from the candy aisle that got misplaced. Even their so-called muesli is so full of sugar that you gotta take an insulin shot after reading the label. Sorry, Hy-Vee, Kellog's, and other major U.S. cereal manufacturers. You are not selling muesli. Alpen is muesli. You shitwands are selling confections disguised as muesli so that people can delude themselves into thinking that they're eating something healthy without having to endure the merciless hardship of eating cereal that's not very sweet.
Could I find cereals like the kinds I want? Yeah, if I drive for an hour. But what gets me is not that they don't have what I want where I live, it's that the preponderance of stupid, bad, lazy and self-indulgent food choices made by grown adult people is so overwhelming that it's not even worth it to the stores to sell alternate healthy versions of products, because nobody will eat them. Because they don't taste right. Wah wah.
Come on, people. If you were nine years old, I could see you refusing to eat something just because putting it in your mouth didn't trigger a simultaneous orgasm of all your taste buds. When you're 30, 40, 50, and you're still choosing your food based primarily on taste, giving little or no thought to the nutritional value or the chemical content...that's just fucking babyish. Eat your fucking Alpen and shut up.
You know, doing that search for a link to Alpen turned up some promising leads...I may not have to drive to the Cities after all. hmmm...
Okay, I feel a little better. But people still suck ass for crowding out decent food choices with their self-indulgent face-stuffing habits.
Happy Thursday! :)
same bitch time, same bitch channel...
Quote for the day: "MTV--Music Television. But they don't play music. How is that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Welcome to Domino's Pizza.' 'Give me 2 large pepperonis.' 'We don't sell pizza. We just have raccoon hats and eyepatches. Call a bookstore, stupid!'"--comedian Daniel Tosh
Posted by Frida Peeple at January 29, 2004 08:19 AM