May 11, 2003

Mother's Day

I have been struggling with the whole "Mom" thing alot in the past few weeks/months? I thought I had accepted that I would never bear a child, never go through childbirth and never hold my own homemade baby. Most days I'm okay with it, despite the fact that as a child, I always wanted to "hold the baby" - it always made me a bit teary eyed (yes, I know. Most things usually make me teary eyed!).

Today, though, it's just a bit sad for me to fully acknowledge that I won't have that experience. I read a piece in Oprah magazine written by Kim Catrall (from Sex and the City) and how she came to terms with not having a child and it sort of assuaged those feelings in me a bit. I am a nurturer - ain't no question about it. I have (way too) many pets who I love and who love me (except for Java whose only loyalty is Pizmo). I have friends whom I love and who love me. I have a wonderful extended family (think "My Big Fat Greek Wedding") kind of thing who (usually) love me and I love them back.

If I am to have a child in my life, I am going to have to put it out to the universe and see who it brings to us. If that doesn't happen, I will accept the higher awareness of said universe and go about my business nurturing anyone who wants/needs it.

But just for today, my secret wish is to hold a baby in my arms, read to her from Carl the Dog books and give her lots of love ... maybe someday that will come to pass, eh? (For those 'rents out there reading this, please don't tell me that parenthood has its good and bad sides - I know that. Trust me. I do.)

Before I Was a Mom

Before I was a Mom
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was Mom
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.

Before I was a Mom I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on,
Pooped on,
Spit on,
Chewed on,
Peed on,
Or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom
I had complete control of my mind,
My thoughts,
My body.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child
So that doctors could do tests or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
When I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
Could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth
The joy
The love
The heartache
The wonderment
Or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much...before I was a Mom.

OH! OH! OH! Survivor season finale part 2 on the same time as SFU? Dag! And no commercials on SFU to keep switching back and forth on. Damn the bad luck!

Speaking of babies, here's a pic of 2 of mine: Lucy the cat and Pizmo-licious de Peeg.


Posted by Lisa at May 11, 2003 05:54 PM


Happy Mother's Day anyway. Not to get all Wiccan about it or anything, but I think many of us are just born Maidens, Mothers, or Crones, in spirit even if not in fact. Me, I've been a Crone since I was a little girl; but I'd have to be a total dumbass not to recognise how immensely important it is for there to be nurturing and caring people such as you in the world. Whoever you give that love to, whether it's children of your own, or your pets [whom I'm sure you spoil outrageously, as you should ;)], or just the people in your life, it puts something into this world that is desperately needed. Hell, if people like you were the only ones who actually BECAME mothers, I wouldn't bitch about overpopulation. :D Moreover, people raised by caring, nurturing parents would be taught to care about their world, and a lot of the problems we have wouldn't exist. So it's indescribably important. Keep caring, we love ya for it, even if we don't always say so. Happy Mother's Day again, from the mom of one cat to the mom of another [plus peegs].

Posted by: frida at May 11, 2003 07:40 PM

p.s. That picture is so cute, you oughta send it in to I wonder if you could also submit it to the Random Kitten Generator at ...

I'm going to bed now. Nighty night ;)

Posted by: frida at May 11, 2003 07:43 PM

Lisa, I agree you are the nurturer. I could have used you when Rosie was little because I was the nurturer then and I often felt like I needed a break. Meanwhile don't discount the nurturing you are already doing including how involved you are in the lives of your god daughters. It means a lot.

When I think about when Rosie was a baby though, although I am sure I enjoyed having her in my arms mostly what I rememember is the feeling of overwhelming and chronic fatigue. Being a parent is such a 24/7 sort of thing and it is toughest right at the beginning. And it is so ephemeral an experience because a baby changes every day. I wished I could have been one of those rich parents who could afford nannies so then I could enjoy Rosie when I was ready for it.

In my experience the infant phase was not the most delightful. If I could slow down time I would enjoy ten years or so of Rosie between the ages of 4 and 5. They were just about perfect. She was so open and so delightful and reading to her every night was such a joy.

Every age has its ups and downs. Yesterday Rosie participated in a coming of age ceremony at the UU church we attend. She read a story to the kids at the start of service, the same book I read to her at age 4-5: "I'll Love Your Forever". She was beaming with happiness when she gave her speech to the congregation about "What I Believe" and the ministers gave her a necklace with the UU chalice on it. Delights can come at any age.

I'll go through withdrawal when she is officially out of the house and on with her independent life. I'll have to look for nurturing experiences elsewhere.

Posted by: Mark at May 12, 2003 08:15 AM
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